Thursday, May 27, 2010

Do I really Want it?

Learning to run has reminded me that if I set my mind to something, I can do it. Through determination, will and drive I can accomplish any goal I set for myself. Nine weeks ago running 5K seemed impossible, but  it was my goal I set for myself and I did it. I plan to do it again today as well. Week 9, run 2,  here I come. So now why the hell is it that when I set a weight loss goal, I can't have the same success? I've reached every goal I've set for myself in recent years. Move out on my own, landing a job that I wanted and love, bought a house on my own, graduated from university etc..etc..., but this damn weight loss goal I just can't seem to tackle.

I tried to 'Dr. Phil' think a bit tonight and ask being fat working for me? It must be in some regards because I'm not changing. I don't have that drive, determination or will to huncker down and calorie count and loss this freak'in weight once and for all. As I thought more and more I came to realize that perhaps my weight has become my security blanket. If I truly begin to shed the pounds and separate myself from my 'blanket" I'm valnerable  to possibilities that perhaps scare me. I'm not going to get into details, but I'm sure you get what I mean.

I'm confident in many aspects of my life. I'm smart and successful, but when it comes to weight loss, I'm a failure. I feel like I'm not strong enough to getter done. With that being said though, I know I have begun to make positive changes in my life and people are noticing. People have even called me an inspiration. Me! An inspiration. HA! That is shocking! It does feel good though to hear coworkers say they thought of me as they went out for a run and said, if Sonya can do it, so can I. The scale may not say I've lost weight lately, but many had asked if I have. I look in the mirror and I see a smaller self. My stomach is less bloated, my arms don't have as large of "wings" as they use to, and my legs look stronger. Of course I wish my double 'no neck' days were behind me, but here's hoping with my continued running and veggie diet it will come with time.

I'm not going to lie though, I do get frustrated. Here I am running 3 times a week, and eating a vegetarian diet where I've had more veggies in the last 3 months than probably in the last 3 years, but still I'm not losing weight.  I guess that's what you get when you don't buckle down.  I do admit lately I enjoyed french fries and ice cream perhaps too much. These are my two tried and true coping foods, and when our dog died, you can bet I had them A LOT! I wish I could say I've found a new coping strategy to deal with stress/anger/sadness, but I guess I haven't. I know I'm still not ready to calorie count or count points again though so I shouldn't be surprised by the scale results. Afterall, you can't have your cake and eat it too but of course this is where I get frustrated yet again. I say I want to lose this weight, so why the hell do I still make those bad food choices? Gurrrrrrr. When will I learn? When will I finally believe I can do it and that I'm worth it?

1 comment:

  1. Sonya, you ARE WORTH IT!!! *hugs*

    You've made a lot of positive, healthy choices over the past few months and really have accomplished a lot with going vegetarian and learning to run. Now that you have those things in check why not start tracking? Maybe just write down what you eat for a week and figure out where your calories are and then step back and see where you can make some changes. I think you're awesome and have totally got this!



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