Friday, February 05, 2010

Down 2.0lbs

Previous Weight - 246 lbs
Current Weight - 244 lbs
Total Lost - 4.5 lbs

Well I'm moving in the right direction! I'm not going to lie though, I was hoping for more. I did well this week and wanted more of a result. More of a reward perhaps. Oh well....It's all good. Two pounds is great!

Today when I woke up I had this sudden feeling of loneliness.  A feeling of sadness. I'm not sure where the hell is came from, but there it was staring me in the face as tears rolled down my cheek.  I've struggled with these feelings off and on for years, and I think this is a part of the reason I'm fat.

Recently I watched an episode of OPRAH where RUBY was a guest . I've never seen her reality series as I only have basic cable, but on Oprah she was sharing how she finally realized she was a food addict. She realized that she used food to help deal with the pain in her life and that ultimately food ended up meaning love for her.  Food meant Love. When Oprah and Ruby had that discussion a kind of light bulb moment happened for me.  I realized food has been love for me for the past seven's been my safe place to fall.

Seven years ago was when my last relationship ended...and even calling it a relationship is a stretch...but regardless it was still painful when it ended. Seven years ago is also when my mother got sick. My mother and I were always close growing up. I could tell her anything and everything. She knows me better than anyone. You'd never know it, (as I seem to spew my emotions on the internet pretty freely), but a lot of times I keep things hidden from people. I bottle them up. My mother always knew something was up though, and would gently pry until I told her how I was feeling. She was always my soft and safe place to fall. She was the one person who's shoulder I could cry on. She was the one person who when I wasn't feeling good enough, could make me feel special again. She was able to calm me and support me and tell me everything was going to be okay. She was my rock.... but then she got sick...and everything changed.  I love my mother, but she no longer can be my safe place to fall. Our relationship has changed, and perhaps I never dealt with it. Perhaps I've never grieved for the relationship I lost.   I see how my friends interact with their mothers and I wish I had the same. I wish my mother never got sick and life was how it was when I grew up, but it's not. It's different, and I miss the relationship that once was.  Please don't get wrong. I love my mother and she is supportive, kind and loving and I know she would be there for me in a heart beat, but I just can't go to her like I once could.  It would cause her stress that she no longer can handle. It would cause her to fall apart...and I can't have instead of my Mother being my safe place to fall a fast food takeout window became her replacement.

I don't think I ever really realized how strongly her illness effected me. I buried the pain I felt and kept moving forward. I became her rock, her shoulder to cry on, her soft place to fall because my father and sister just didn't understand her...or so she said at the time. Our roles changed and although my mother has done marvelously well these last few years, our roles are still not back to how they once were....and a part of me perhaps wishes they were.  I miss the way it was...but it's only recently that I've realized just how much.

Today would have been a day I would have asked a certain someone to come over. I would have asked him to come over so I could simply lay my head on his shoulder and feel some type of comfort from someone for awhile.  Today is a day when feeling lonely I would have ate a whole pizza and then ice cream for dessert. Today is a day, I wouldn't get out of bed. Today is a day, I would feel sorry for myself. But today was not that day. I did not call him over, I did not eat pizza and ice cream, I did not stay in bed all day, and I did not feel sorry for myself.  Instead, I went out for dinner with my best friend and her cute little niece and then went shopping and had a great evening. It doesn't mean my problems have gone  away or that I don't still crave that someone who can finally  be my safe place to fall, my rock or a shoulder to cry on, but it does mean, I'm making some type of progress not only on the outside (with my weight loss), but also on the inside..... and that is what matters the most!

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