Saturday, January 09, 2010

Writing instead of eating....

Tonight has not been the greatest night for me. I felt lonely and contacted a guy I know. A friend or acquaintance (not sure what to call him) that I've known for several years. We have been hanging out lately and as Sonya usually does with boys -  she falls for them....but they just never seem to fall for me.

For over 10 years I have known this guy and never thought twice about him. Lately my feelings changed though. I got to see a side of him that I hadn't really seen before and I liked it. I knew he found me attractive so I took a chance. Something I haven't done in awhile. I thought maybe he could be a guy who finally sees me for me and thinks I'm good enough. He's a guy I wouldn't have to share my history with because he already kind of knows it.  He's a guy I feel comfortable with....and that does not come easily for me.  I thought here's a guy I can finally trust. Naturally, I wanted to see where it could go, but despite him finding me attractive I recently found out he doesn't want the same as I do. He doesn't want a relationship. Sex? I'm sure he's all for....but relationships are a no go. We are not on the same page. We're not even in the same book. He wants no strings...I want lots....  Anyway, there is far more to the story but I will keep that private. I'm sharing this with you though because I'm in a situation that makes me feel sad. I'm sad because once again I don't feel good enough. Feeling not good enough makes me want to eat.

As I said tonight I felt lonely so I contacted this guy (even though I swore to myself I wouldn't) and think I just made things even more weird than they were. This of course makes me feel like an idiot or loser or crazy girl which also makes me want to eat for comfort. I'm still feeling lonely which makes me want to eat as well.

If you haven't figured it out yet.... I am 100% an emotional eater.

Thankfully I haven't dived into the ice cream just yet. Instead I'm writing this blog entry. Writing is my new therapy. Writing is what is going to get me through this journey. This blog is about a girl trying to not only gain a new figure, but it's about a girl trying to find new ways to cope in this world. Writing will help me. It did way back when...and it shall again. I'm a girl who wants and needs to change  from the inside out and writing instead of eating is one way I can.

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